One way love - or doubt.

Damn, am I in love again? It's been quite a while since I've had it this bad. A couple of weeks ago, it still felt like true happiness, now I feel as if it is taking control over me. It's caressing me with its claws. I feel pure jealousy whenever I see a guy come over and talk to her. And when I'm drunk, I even feel like crushing them. Even though she's not mine. *sigh*

The only thing I want to do, is sit next to her, hold her, and be silent.

The question is: what does she think? Is she just being friendly to me, or could it be that she's shy, or whatever... A lot of mixed signals and an innate fear of completely giving myself, due to past love experiences, result in a lack of action. Love can make a human being so fucking weak. Even now that I have started acting, my mind is full of possible scenarios, doubts not only about her, but also about my own feelings. Is this real? Am I good enough? How can I change myself?

By changing myself, adjusting myself to what I believe is what she looks for in a guy, I deny my inner self, as though I myself am not enough. In a way, I thus create a defense against any intrusions into my soul, making it impossible for me to truly love. Nothing unconditional about it. Doesn't matter if that same love ballad has been on repeat for the last hour.

Self-esteem and self-protection, my satanic brothers. My whole life, I grew up with the feeling I had to answer to somebody else's wishes, living up to the image I thought they had of me.

"You're too sensitive". My ass! Self-protection at warp nine.

Break me, baby.