NEW LIFE part II

Focus.
Discipline.
Honesty.
Awareness.

Pissed

I'm pissed.

Pissed at friends that make you doubt whether they really are your friends. Pissed at those who call you when they need you, but wave away every invitation or refuse to reply for no apparent reason. And even if there were a reason, they are relentless to talk about it. Sorry, but I've wiped out your name in my book. All what is left, is loneliness.

I'm pissed at our mutual friends that sense all this, for the simple reason that they were involved in it, trying to soothe me with words like "Next time we'll go out and have fun", making me feel even more pathetic. I'm pissed at people not telling me what's going on, I'm pissed at human interaction

//

and while I'm typing this, I get an email from you. Maybe I'm not that alone after all. Thank you.

//

but why haven't you replied yet?

One way love - or doubt.

Damn, am I in love again? It's been quite a while since I've had it this bad. A couple of weeks ago, it still felt like true happiness, now I feel as if it is taking control over me. It's caressing me with its claws. I feel pure jealousy whenever I see a guy come over and talk to her. And when I'm drunk, I even feel like crushing them. Even though she's not mine. *sigh*

The only thing I want to do, is sit next to her, hold her, and be silent.

The question is: what does she think? Is she just being friendly to me, or could it be that she's shy, or whatever... A lot of mixed signals and an innate fear of completely giving myself, due to past love experiences, result in a lack of action. Love can make a human being so fucking weak. Even now that I have started acting, my mind is full of possible scenarios, doubts not only about her, but also about my own feelings. Is this real? Am I good enough? How can I change myself?

By changing myself, adjusting myself to what I believe is what she looks for in a guy, I deny my inner self, as though I myself am not enough. In a way, I thus create a defense against any intrusions into my soul, making it impossible for me to truly love. Nothing unconditional about it. Doesn't matter if that same love ballad has been on repeat for the last hour.

Self-esteem and self-protection, my satanic brothers. My whole life, I grew up with the feeling I had to answer to somebody else's wishes, living up to the image I thought they had of me.

"You're too sensitive". My ass! Self-protection at warp nine.

Break me, baby.

Eighties galore

I'm 24 and I can already get nostalgic.

Some nostalgia-improving-non-alcoholic-thingies I got hooked on lately:

• Nick Kamen - "Each time you break my heart" : love those backing vocals
• MacGyver - Pilot episode: Barbara Spencer: Blow an opening? With what? Don't tell me you know how to make a bomb out of a stick of chewing gum. MacGyver: Why, you got some?
• Sledge Hammer: Trust me, I know what I'm doing
• All the 80's movies!!
  

This list is getting too long.

You

I saw you again today.

We hugged.
"Yeah party! How's it goin' !?" - hug.
I closed my eyes.
Did you close yours?

Funny

When I checked my Re-Invigorate account, browsing through the URLs people come from when they visit this blog, I came across this one. Some British guy must have felt the urge to see some big breasts on his Windows Media Player screen. Too bad for him, what he was referred to, was of course this post.

Lyrics: Don Henley - The Boys of Summer

The winter is slowly but steadily pulling out its own icey sword of Damocles, but this song is still amazing. To me, it basically comes down to this: The summer's out of reach, we've got to go on, off to the next summer maybe, but I keep on looking back and I still believe in it...

Love and time, I guess it's a universal thing.

Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer's out of reach
Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I'm drivin' by your house
Though I know you're not at home

But I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy?
Remember how I made you scream
Now I don't understand what happened to our love
But babe, I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
I see you walkin' real slow and you're smilin' at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

Out on the road today, I saw a DEADHEAD sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice inside my head said, "Don't look back. You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that top pulled down and that radio on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that hair slicked back and those Wayfarers on, baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

Last night

I think she has big breasts. I can't convince my drunken eyes not to slide down. Must be soft. Must be.

My favo(u)rite Firefox extensions

I still don't understand why people would prefer Internet Explorer over Mozilla Firefox. Ok, it has been known to crash once in a while when opening a .wmv-file and shockwave-plugins can be a bitch, but "hello, it is me you're looking for"! Especially because of its multitude of extensions!

Here's a list of + links to my favo(u)rite babies...

1. Foxy Tunes: open music files, play, pause, stop,...in your media player of choice, without having to leave your browser window!
2. Adblock: BLOCKKITT!!
   
3. BBCode: download it and you're a right-click away from easy-going-heaven at forums...
4. CookieCuller: immediate access to the cookie-list, as well as the ability to delete and block them, for ever!
   
5. ForecastFox: no need to check the weather anymore, this one does it for you, wherever you are on this globe, whatever you want to know.
6. JustBlogIt!: like an article? wanna blog it? just blog it!
7. Bandwith Tester: hmmm, slow today...
8. ImageZoom: to take a closer look.
9. LinkToolbar: great for picture gallery surfing! (hehe), next image, previous image, directory up,...you name it.

Lucy, I'm home!

2046 (Wong Kar-Wai)

I finally got to see it, Wong Kar-Wai's latest, that can easily be described as the sequel to In the Mood for Love: Tony Leung returns from Singapore back to Hong Kong, and speaks of his many relationships with women. The female cast is composed of the best actresses China has to offer these days (Li Gong, Zhang Ziyi, Faye Wong) and they're all in (some sort of) love. In the meanwhile he writes his novel entitled "2046"... I could go on about this for several pages more, but it would contain too many spoilers.

The similarities and references to Wong's other work are quite subtle, yet apparent, such as the act of taking off the shoes of a drunk woman that fell asleep on the bed, for instance. The magnificent use of colours, camera perspectives and overall imagery hasn't changed at all, making this sensuous picture an evenly tantalizing feast for both mind and heart as its predecessors.

But I believe it is the first time he really makes spoken conclusions about how relationships and love work. This movie is ultimately about how love, too, is dependent on the time where and the place when it sparks and evolves. Some statements coming from Tony Leung's voice over were very clear: "There is no such thing as an eternal love" or "In love, it's all about timing"... Time plays a great role in this picture, as does it in our love lives. We look into the future that is 2046, but we long for the past that is 2046. Watch this!

2046, WongKarWai

Fat Jon the Ample Soul Physician - Lightweight Heavy

Yes, sirree, this is one of the best albums I've heard in a long while. I used to be a big fan of the early instrumental hiphop when it was still innovative and promulgated by DJ Shadow, DJ Krush and the likes, but kind of got bored with the multitude of copycats that followed in their footsteps. Several years later now, I come across this album, just by accident, and it's been in the CD player for five days in a row. Relax, have a smoke, put on the headphones, go for a walk in the park on a sunny Sunday afternoon and you'll know why.

Children (2)

They found the murderer of the 2 year old girl. It was her mother.

*sigh*

Children

FBI12_KIND.MM
Originally uploaded by Yptucide.

I'm 24 years old. When my dad was as old as I am now, I was born. Would I be ready to have kids? Financially or realistically, no, for the obvious reason that one not only needs a stable income, but also a mother. ;o)

But hypothetically speaking, would I be ready for it emotionally? I haven't got a clue. Maybe because it's absolutely not likely that I'm going to have kids in the near future. Of course, when I was dating my ex-girlfriend, I thought about it and I must say, emotionally I felt ready. But having kids and actually raising them to be grown-ups is the biggest responsibility a human being can bear. Taking care of your own blood, personified in those small individuals, protecting them, making them happy...respect and thanks to my parents for raising me.

It's a strange thing, but sometimes I have this feeling that the world, the sky, wants me to think of some specific thing, some specific phenomenon by pointing it out to me on several occasions in a row. A couple of weeks ago, it was about suicide: increased news coverage on suicide on the Japanese news, the suicide of my friend, the movie Sylvia....Recently, the main topic has been the fragility of kids. I was watching the Japanese news the other day, they were covering the recent earthquake in the Niigata prefecture, the consequential sad loss of a 3 year old girl and the death of a 12 year old girl. They filmed her teacher trying to address his pupils on the matter. I started crying, thinking of my own sister, 7 years old, and the most precious thing I have on this world. Yesterday, I watched Man on Fire starring Denzel Washington who is out to revenge the kidnapping of a young girl he was supposed to protect. Felt tears again. Today, I woke up and read the Belgian news, stating a 2 year old girl (see picture) that had gone missing was found murdered.

Anger, sadness and a will to protect, maybe that's what the world recently wants me to feel.

NEW LIFE day 1

Ok, time for something a bit less dramatic now: I changed the interior of my small dormitory room, to make it more spacious (fridge and tv in the closet), more organised (bought a rack), and more bright (moved everything so that the whole window can be seen). These shall be the keystone principles for my new life: space, organisation and brightness. ;o)

Value

After the emotional and alcoholic turmoil of the past few weeks, I decided to take over, build a dam and a small house on top of it, where I can live my new, steady way of life.

I just finished watching Sylvia, a biography on poetess Sylvia Plath and her ways of dealing with love, jealousy, adultery and death. It reminded me, above all, of my late friend, but also of a conversation I had with a friend yesterday, again while drinking. He has two girlfriends, but gives them 100% love, he says. How? When he is together with one, he will direct all of his attention to her and only her, giving her all the love he has. The same goes of course for the other one.

The horror.

If he's happy with that, no problem, but I would crumble. My 100% would be shattered into pieces, all in search for another 100%. The priest would break out of his wooden box and viciously turn my blood into wine.

Today, I shook hands with the priest inside of me, acknowledged his presence and decided to listen to the sermon, he has been whispering in my inner ears for as long as I can remember: "Truth, clarity and time."

I'm building a dam against the fake love, twilight and transience, so I can still gaze at its roaring water without having to drown in it. And on top of the dam, I'm going to build a house. A house for the both of us, for only then will I be true to myself, for only then will the river become clear, for only then sufficient time will have passed for me to hold you.

Original sin

I am a bad person.

I know.

I don't know whether this awareness has something to do with my liberal-catholic education, but I do remember one time when I was six, we had to go and confess at the local church. A whole bunch of small, noisy kids on the way to the priest and his small, awfully silent box. My heart nearly stood still when I pulled away the dusty curtain and saw his beard from behind the wooden holes. "I'm sorry I hit my little brother. I'm sorry I didn't clean up my room although mommy had asked me to." He forgave me. What for? Was what I had done so bad? I felt worse coming out of that box than before I went in. An enormous feeling of guilt overwhelmed me, making me break out in tears for the rest of the afternoon.

Eighteen years later:

"I'm sorry I kissed that girl because she's been dating the same guy for over three years."

Free me, please.

Goodbye

I'm gonna miss you, man. Rest in peace.