Back in Belgium

Back in ye good ole rainy Belgium to celebrate Christmas and the New Year with family and friends. It doesn't feel like I have been away for such a long time, the only thing that's really changed is the death of my friend. I have no desire to talk about it right here and now, because these things shouldn't be put in words. I'll go to his grave and talk to him in person, somewhere floating on the chilly European winds.

It feels good being back. Already gave grandma a big hug, talked to our bird, played with my sister. This truly is "home". But that still doesn't make it my place to spend my life. My mom termed this "bizarre way of thinking" an adolescent yearning for exotism, some form of escapism. She could be right, but I'm much more confronted with reality back in Japan than over here. Being in Japan hasn't always been a good thing for me, mentally nor emotionally, but it feels like a necessity. I have learned so much more in Japan, not only about the world, but also about myself. There is something that has guided me to Japan and I'm still following it. Like that bright shining star that guided the three kings to Jezus. Now, all I have to find is someone to join me in this seemingly neverending journey. (A queen to make our own little Jezus would be nice...) ;-)

Anyways, I'm off to the south of France tomorrow for about a week without a phone, without any internet connection, so Merry Christmas!!!

Another Re-Invigorate check

Re-Invigorate info

referrers:

• Yahoo search "reasons for feeling very thirsty"
• Yahoo search "fotolog japanese breasts"
• Ask Jeeves search "auditive sense"
• Ask Jeeves search "body count in Iraq"

Me versus my generation

Interesting comment from a friend on my last post stating that I might have projected my own doubts and insecurity onto the whole of my generation. Fair enough. That actually crossed my mind yesterday and I guess it's true. One always sees one's world from the very narrow point of view originating within the boundaries of the self.

But on the other hand, I am a child of my own generation, and I do sense a certain lack of direction in today's world. But maybe that has always been the case.

But \ maybe \ on the other hand \

I could go on and talk about the postmodernist aching due to the lack of a dominating world view, with Christianity's failure to unite even just the Western worldviews. There are no real certainties left, and that's something I sincerely believe. People need some kind of ideological guidance, maybe people need to be called Generation [something], to be identified with. People need something to believe in, something which is right. Information is abundant, but so is even contradictory information. We know so many things, about so many places and yet we don't know its true essence.

...

Maybe she was right, maybe this is just me talking.

But it is just that: responses like "That's just you saying that." actually denote everything I tried to explain. The truth doesn't go beyond the individual. Then, what is true? I sincerely believe we don't know anymore. Ironically enough.

Oh, and another thing: this is one the major reasons why I expect the islam is going to grow at an enormous speed. Just because it is one of the last, if not the only, all-encompassing world views left on this planet.

How's that for a fragmentary, postmodern post? ;-)

Generation I for Irony

I believe my generation, probably people who are in their twenties now, are part of what I would call Generation I, as in Irony. The reason why I started thinking like this is actually pretty meaningless (which is already ironic), but like a war can start with a dispute between two individuals and a tree starts off as a tiny seed, that one flash moment was of extreme importance. As if what I'm saying here, is such a big deal...

Anyways, I went out clubbing last night: booze, sweat, empty wallets, loud beats and...visuals. They were showing some footage of an eighties guy singing his song in his shiny suit. People look at it and think: funny. But also in an odd way: funny ergo cool. That's the whole reason why the VJs used that footage. And so, it made me think about the "spirit of this time". Back in the 1960s and 70s, we had the dreaming hippies, in the 1980s we had the yuppie thing going on, then so-called Generation X came along, supposedly being more critical than ever, but not knowing where to go with it.

I believe we are part of Generation I, because although we are continuing the critical stance of our X-predecessors, we embrace our criticism and put it into perspective, eventually smiling at the world, although I sense some bitterness and maybe even arrogance in it. Recycling and re-inventing are today's hot words, but the same should be said of uncertainty and doubt. It is this doubting of what is to come that makes us mash up the past, and look at it with a ironic smile. I believe we are longing for a better future, but sense things aren't changing. We are not ready yet for a new phase.

The Wall

I just had an interesting - yet drunk - conversation with a buddy from Finland. It probably was more of a monologue, but it made me realize something very significant about myself.

I believe everyone, every single human being on this planet has a wall, to protect what's inside the fortress. It is the pure essence, afraid, full of doubts and hidden from the ones that pass by.

Most people have a few people they can at least open that wall to, talk about their emotions and maybe even be able to cry when that person is around. I, on the other hand, can talk to anybody about what's happening behind the fortress walls. I rationalize, conceive it using language and communicate. Like a newspaper from the USSR, it jumps over the Berlin Wall and enters the so-called free world. I must be the biggest publishing company, because I communicate a lot, to anybody. No boundaries there.

However, rather than the rationalised jumping over the wall, actually emotionally breaking that wall in order for someone from the outside to enter inside the fortress and see that glowing part...I just can't. It's not that I don't want to, though. It just goes beyond all my powers.

I hide myself underneath the letters of my newspaper, as dry as possible, so that coincidental tears would not blur the message.

A perfect cold war is being fought between the outside and the inner side. Maybe it's time for a Cultural Revolution, time to burn all books, all written resources, in order to break that Wall.

Engrave

Yes, I deleted the last post. It was just too crazy. Basically, I don't consider this blog as a means of communication, at least not in the first place. The most important reason for expressing myself through this page is probably the therapeutic function it has.

On the other hand, writing something down might also enhance the effect of what one writes. For instance, if I feel a bit depressed and I thus write down "I feel a bit depressed", acknowledging that possibly momentary feeling and engraving it somewhere where it is there to stay, never to be lost. That way, actually "actualizing" what one feels or doubts into words, physically noticeable, it becomes part of reality. This reality is still what most people consider to be the standard for judging something's actuality.

Yes, we can be demagogues to ourselves.

Shoutout

愛させてくれ。

When I'm drunk...

It is said that when you're drunk, your true self comes to life. If that is true then these small texts I typed on my cell phone should represent my most inner feelings. Whatever be the case, here they are.

• While the blood was pouring out of her body, I felt regret. Regret for piercing a bullet through her ribs.
• The absolute sadness not to know. It is unbearable, this crossing of the river without knowing where the shores lie. It is absolute ignorance and yet our will to breathe keeps ignoring. Maybe we are just a slave of our own will to survive. But it's all a 'maybe'. What would the realm of 'probably' look like, I wonder. Maybe, it has shores and sunsets. But even 'maybe' has those, doesn't it?
• My dreams are full of misconceptions, sex and fear.

Hmmm...

Moody

Funny how things change. A couple of days ago, I was depressed as hell, now I feel like I can conquer the world just by sitting on the toilet reading last Friday's newspaper. I guess I really am a moody guy.

In the meanwhile, the ground was shaking.